The Cunning Count Olaf Composition Contest

Honorable Mention - Joshua Daly
Ages 12
Las Vegas, NV 

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The Wretched Return
Chapter One 

The Baudelaire children are charming, witty, and extremely kind. Unfortunately they are extremely unfortunate—the word “unfortunate,” you probably know, here means “terrible misfortune follows them everywhere”—too. The Baudelaire children are actually the Baudelaire orphans. As you know, misery and woe—the words “misery” and “woe” here means “Count Olaf”—followed these children as they stayed with Uncle Monty, Aunt Josephine, worked at a lumber yard, attended an austere academy, resided with Esme and Jerome Squalor, lived in an extremely vile village, a hostile hospital, a gruesome carnival, and with the evil Count Olaf, and much more. 

This volume of tragedy starts with a simple thought that a previous guardian might still be living. One day, the Baudelaire orphans received a telegram calling them to their hometown. The telegram claimed that Aunt Josephine was still living and was to be their new guardian. Well, the children’s reaction was incredulous—the word “incredulous” here means “unable to believe”—but they rushed to town by train.

Chapter Two 

Mr. Poe met the children at the station and drove them to Briny Beach, where Aunt Josephine was waiting. When they arrived they just stood there staring at Aunt Josephine. “You look familiar,” Violet said, trying to make conversation. “Of course, after all I am Aunt Josephine,” Aunt Josephine said suspiciously. That isn’t what Violet meant. She meant that she looked like someone else. She looked like something extremely dreaded; she looked like Count Olaf! Klaus must have thought the same thing because he asked with suspicion, “How did you survive?” 

“W-w-w-well, after that handsome, wait, no, I mean dreadful Count Olaf pushed me off that b-b-b-boat I caught a large piece of driftwood and p-p-p-paddled back to shore,” Aunt Josephine stuttered. “Speaking of Count Olaf, you should put your money in my fund so that Count Olaf can’t steal it again.” “Try,” Klaus corrected, “so he can’t try to steal it again.” 

Violet, Klaus and Sunny, realized that this wasn’t the real Aunt Josephine. She would never make a mistake like that. Mr. Poe automatically agreed to Aunt Josephine’s—now the name “Aunt Josephine’s” means “Count Olaf’s”—proposal. 

A limousine pulled up beside them. In it was what looked like one of the white-faced women, but much more tan-faced. Aunt Josephine (Count Olaf) introduced her as the director of the play she was starring in called, “Aunt Josephine: A True Story.” 

“We would love it if you could play the Baudelaire children,” proposed the tan-faced woman. The Baudelaire children expected there was a plot behind this play, but once again, Mr. Poe automatically accepted this proposal without the Baudelaire’s consent—the word “consent” here means, “Mr. Poe won’t let the children have a say in what they want to do or not.” “I would also like to ask, if we could use the real funds in the play so it seems more realistic?” said the tan-faced woman. Once again, Mr. Poe automatically agreed.

Chapter Three 

Before Scene 50, where the children met Aunt Josephine for the very first time, the children were sitting very troubled. Violet had her hair tied back—always a sign of deep thought. Klaus was thinking of a book he read called "Schemes, Plots, Treacherous Ideas and More, All in the Mind of a Person You Will Soon Meet." The children were call to the stage still wondering about the plot. 

Scene 50 through Scene 79 went by very fast, where Aunt Josephine dragged herself out of Lake Lachrymose and traveled to Briny Beach to meet the children. After an intermission came the mysterious climax. 

The Baudelaires still had time to foil his plot, by eavesdropping. They followed Aunt Josephine backstage to her dressing room. What they saw come out was something far more treacherous (Count Olaf). They snuck into the dressing room to find only a rubber mask and wig. 

The Baudelaire children followed Count Olaf and heard him and the tan-faced woman, “Okay, let’s go over the plan one more time.” “Scene 80 is going to be a bank robbery. I’m going to make that bumbling idiot, Mr. Poe hand over the funds because he thinks it’s all pretend. Then, I’ll run out of the bank to my automobile and trample over the children who will be tied down. This is when you and the hook-handed man escape through the back door with Mr. Poe. Got it!” exclaimed the tan-faced woman. 

The hook-handed man quickly snatched the children and put them in a bag and tied it to the stage. Scene 80 started. Sunny bit her way out of the bag, but Violet and Klaus couldn’t fit through the hole. 

All of a sudden the automobile roared to life. Count Olaf drove straight for them, and when he was about to hit them, the stage gave way—the phrase “gave way” here means, “Count Olaf’s automobile broke right through the stage due to it’s weight”. He was traveling under the theatre until he busted out through front steps and continued driving down the street. 

The Baudelaire children, once finally freed by Sonny, all rushed outside to watch. Count Olaf crashed right into another car. He jumped out and grabbed onto a rope ladder hanging from a helicopter. In this helicopter were the tan-faced woman, the hook-handed man, and Mr. Poe. 

In a heroic attempt, Sunny jumped up and bit Count Olaf’s leg while he was climbing the ladder. Count Olaf quickly climbed the rest of the ladder and boarded the helicopter. Count Olaf quickly wrote a letter, attached it to a rock and threw it out of the helicopter. The letter read: 

Dear Orphans, 

If you want the moron and the brat you will have to give me your fortune. 

With all of the hate inside me,

Count Olaf 

And with that he flew into the night, possibly leaving the Baudelaire fortune behind forever.