The Cunning Count Olaf Composition Contest
Honorable Mention - Gabriel Everett
Age 13
Henderson, CO
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January 2, 1954
To: Lemony Snicket
From: Klaus Baudelaire, Jr.
My Aunt Sunny has given these letters to me. They were written by Mr. Poe, Count Olaf, and my dear Aunt Violet. They were intercepted by my father concerning the 1937 play, “The Repulsive Return” by Al Funcoot. Sadly, my father is now dead from an over-baked apple pie and lies still in Paltryville. Esme Squalor is no longer alive. These letters should help you with your research, Mr. Snicket. They aren’t in chronological order.
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October 15, 1937
From the typewriter of George Poe
Dear Baudelaires,
Well, after the series of unfortunate events you have faced Klaus, Violet, and Sunny, I have decided to take you kids on a lovely vacation. It is free from Count Olaf and his hideous henchman, as well as the Daily Punctilio’s poisonous words.
You children are going with me to Colorado in the continental United States. Since Colorado is so far from Britain, I am certain that it is free from Olaf and his many ailing aliases. While there, we will ski, watch a rodeo, and I have head that the theaters of Denver are very grand. I received free tickets in the mail from The Overstated Theater to a play bolding named “The Repulsive Return.” I know that the title may seem, well, repulsive, but the pamphlet stated that it is a cheery romance so this should excite you. Plus, the tickets were free.
Also, to further enthuse you, they will not be revealing the star of the show until premiere night. I read in the pamphlet that whoever he is shall be handsome and great.
Humbly,
Mr. Poe
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August 15, 1937
To Fernald, a.k.a. Hooky,
You and I are taking the troupe to Colorado. That is where Poe is taking those brats. Well, you may have hooks for hands, but you have talent. That is why you and your sister Fiona are going to Denver to “convince” the theater owners of the prestigious Overstated Theater to dump his current cast for the play, “The Repulsive Return.”
If all goes to plan, and it had better go to plan, then it really will be a repulsive return. While you are taking care of the theater master, I will assume the disguise of Boris Kriloff to recruit people to join our side of the V.F.D. schism. My disguise consists of dying my hair brown and wearing tall boots. I will be the star of “The Repulsive Return.”
Before Poe departs, I will encourage him to come by sending him free tickets and a misleading pamphlet. When they come, I will capture one of the orphans and since Parliament’s financial laws don’t apply in America, I can take the fortune to my pleasing.
Oh, my dear neighbor Justice Strauss won’t be attending this play for sadly, she passed away yesterday. And well, it wasn’t naturally.
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November 13, 1937
To Quigley Quagmire,
Hello my friend. I received the telegram. We met the woman in the taxi and traveled to Hotel Denouement. While there, we received a letter from Mr. Poe offering to travel to Colorado in America. V.F.D., desperate for volunteers, permitted us to go in case we find new recruits there. When we arrived, we noticed right away that it would be a difficult mission. Although Count Olaf’s henchman and the Daily Punctilio’s toxins haven’t reached America, we didn’t know anyone. I will update you directly.
Regards,
Violet Baudelaire
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November 18, 1937
To Quigley Quagmire,
It is urgent that you receive this immediately! We have much news. When we left our hotel to view the play, “The Repulsive Return,” we realized that it was more than a bad title. On premiere night, the star was announced, and he was called Boris Kriloff. When he hobbled on stage, we realized that it was a ridiculously disguised Olaf.
Just then, the lights turned off and I felt that I had been snatched! When my captor discontinued, I heard a voice all too familiar. When the lights turned on, sure enough, there stood Esme Squalor. She hissed to me, “Although orphans are on the way out, money is in! Now that Parliament’s laws no longer bind us, we can take your fortune and be rid of the Baudelaire road bumps.”
Abruptly, two pleasantly familiar figures burst into the room. Captain Widdershins and Phil, along with my siblings, grabbed me and before Esme could catch up, we got into a car. As we drove away, Phil squealed happily, “V.F.D. has acquired the sugar bowl!”
Ecstatic,
Violet Baudelaire
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