Honorable Mention - Ana Rivera
Age 13
Oldsmar, FL

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The Voraciously Foul Delinquents
(And the Very Fashionable Duchess who defeats them)
By: Alf Tonuco 

For those of you who have had the utmost fortune in never meeting and/or hearing the man or name Count Olaf, let me warn you that your luck has just run out. It is my obligation to report to the public of this man’s latest and possibly least entertaining scheme. He has just written a terrible play, in which the villain will try to snatch at the Baudelaire fortune, once again. But don’t be fooled, over the course of his devious journey, I am sorry to say that he has become ever more cunning. So it is with a heart pounding with adrenaline that I release this crucial information to the general public, for if this transcript doesn’t survive, I fear the worst.

  In the beginning of the play, it shows the life of an extremely wealthy and stylish duchess who lives in her enormous countryside villa, along with her 667 maids, butlers, chefs, gardeners, and her financial adviser, to whom she entrusts everything.

The next scene shows three children committing a variety of crimes, which leads to their arrest. These three children happen to be orphans whom nobody wants so they are sent to the villa to serve out their community service doing a series of unpleasant tasks, such as waiting on the duchess hand and foot, cooking her any meal she asks for, and giving the entire estate a thorough cleaning every Sunday afternoon.

As you may have guessed already (or might have not), the duchess is played by Esmé Squalor, while the Baudelaire orphans play the nameless ones. Count Olaf is also in this play, as the financial advisor. After putting on the Marvelous Marriage, he was reluctant to put himself in the play, for fear of getting caught, but his ego got the best of him.You may be asking yourself, “Why are the Baudelaire children subjecting themselves to this kind of horrible screenplay and acting when they know that there could be an even worse consequence at the end, much worse than harsh critical reviews?” I’m afraid I have a gruesome answer to even that question. It seems as if Count Olaf is planning to capture Quigley Quagmire and hold him in a hostage-type situation in which the Baudelaires must comply with his demands, otherwise----I’m sorry, I cannot even bring myself to write it down, much less type it.

So now let us return to the play. At this point, countless scenes have been shown of the orphans toiling efforts, just to amuse Count Olaf himself and not the audience. In the next scene, the orphans are caught stealing a piece of prized jewelry, a simple chain on which is fastened a large trinket, shaped like an eye, on the night their sentence is over. The estimated value is about as much as the Baudelaire fortune itself. Then, as the duchess and the children engage in tug-o’-war with said necklace, which is no way to handle fine jewelry, it snaps and falls to the ground, where it shatters to an innumerable amount of pieces. The only “fair” way for the orphans to replace the necklace is for them to work whatever jobs they can to repay the duchess. 

  As the end of the play arrives, which brings joy to the tired audience, but dread to those who know the conspiracy lingering behind the red velvet curtains, it is supposed to represent 20 years later. The children, who are using veiled facial and voice fakery disguises to make it seem as though they are no longer children, are shown handing over a check for all of the money they own. Little does the audience know, the check is actually a written contract stating that the moment Violet turns of age, all of their fortune is property of Count Olaf. Then the duchess is quoted as saying groups of words that are put together just because they sound wise, such as, “When money speaks truth is silent,” and, “Everyone works for love and money and no one has enough of either."

  Then the curtains close, and as the few audience members that are awake clap absentmindedly, blissfully unaware of the goings-on, a trap door is activated and the orphans are whisked away to an escape car, which holds some of Olaf’’s cronies, including the hook-handed man, Hugo, Kevin, Fiona, Colette, and Carmelita Spats.

  Now you too know of the horrors that await the poor, unfortunate Baudelaires, but it is never too late to act. Unlike Mr. Poe, you could be the difference between absolute catastrophe and the only chance these orphans have of survival. So it is with a final claim for assistance, ultimate cry for help, and concluding plea for aid, that I bid you farewell and hope that I haven’t exceedingly darkened your day or letterbox with this dispatch.

Legitimately,

Ana Rivera