The Cunning Count Olaf Composition Contest

Grand Prize Winner - Michael Zarowny
Age 12
Wilmette, IL

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Michael designed his entry like a newspaper. See it in PDF form here. He also included "evidence," shown in photos:

                 

Below is the text-only version.

Part 1 

Dear RIF Contest Judge, 

My time is running out so I must make this brief. From one of our spies at RIFs headquarters I found out about this mission to uncover the truth behind Count Olafs new play. The file was found in the fourteenth to last place the V.F.D. headquarters was moved to.

Included are some pictures even mysterious to me, a ticket to the play, some newspaper clippings, some un labeled evidence, and a paper clip to keep the papers from flying about. Remember, you are my last hope that the true meaning behind Count Olafs play can be told to the general public. 

With all due respect, 

Michael Zarowny

Part 2

The Daily Punctilio
"All the News, in Fits of Print"

A Night at the Theatre
by our dramatic critic, Lemony Snicket 

In this world, there are many idioms, a word which here means a phrase or saying whose true meaning usually has nothing to do with its literal definition. Such is the idiom “let the cat out of the bag.” This phrase doesn’t literally mean to let a cat out of a bag. Although originally that’s what it might have meant, now “ letting the cat out of the bag” means giving away a secret.

I can immediately think of many idioms to describe Al Funcoot’s new play, “Count Olaf: Actor, Humanitarian, Intelligent Person, Snappy Dresser, Smart Guy, Arsonist, Funny Character, Handsome Gentlemen, and Fortune Snatcher Extraordinaire.” For one, it was a “ red herring”, an idiom which here means something misleading that converts your attention to another subject, such as believing an advertisement for the play The World is Quiet Here, but when getting to the theatre only seeing charcoal written programs with  “Count Olaf: Actor, Humanitarian, Intelligent Person, Snappy Dresser, Smart Guy, Arsonist, Funny Character, Handsome Gentlemen, and Fortune Snatcher Extraordinaire.” In bold letters, and no secret code whatsoever, as promised by the title, being conveyed to the audience.

Another idiom that comes to mind when I think of this waste of money and time, “Count Olaf: Actor, Humanitarian, Intelligent Person, Snappy Dresser, Smart Guy, Arsonist, Funny Character, Handsome Gentlemen, and Fortune Snatcher Extraordinaire” is “ getting your goat.” This idiom means to annoy or upset. For instance, if a certain volunteer goes to a red herring play and it gets their goat, then he or she obviously didn’t like the play one bit.

Other various idioms that remind me of this terrible play and all its cast are listed here: the “gift of gab” for the one-eyebrowed egotistical star (although it was more of a curse than a gift),  “to eat crow” (something the cast should have done after this horrible performance), and to “throw caution to the wind” (something the cast and crew did by performing this play).

On my rating scale, this play scored a negative three stars out of five. (They now owe me for their next play.) I was disappointed from the opening number, “OLAF!” to the grand finale, “Gimme, Gimme, Gimme!”  Several times I attempted to leave the building but a rather imposing doorman with sleeves that were too long for his arms was blocking my escape route.

Though I strongly advise you against seeing this bad act, I’ll unfortunately have to tell you where it’s playing and the actors in it. Starring (the first name was illegible because of smudged charcoal) Olaf and Esmé (her last name was also smudged). This drama will be playing at the Ned H. Rirgir theatre all month long. -L.S. 

Part 3

An Annoucement
by our Editor in Chief, Eleanora Poe 

We apologize for today’s theatre review. We all know our dramatic critic Lemony Snicket was fired some time ago for writing similar outlandishly rude opinions. Somehow, Mr. Snicket or one of his associates must have snuck in, disguised as a chest of drawers, a bullfighter, or both.

Some way or another, he must have slipped the article in the presses. Luckily, we were able to discover this and print this announcement as well.

I myself was able to purchase a ticket and see this wonderfully magnificent play. Of course, me being the editor in chief of this astonishingly great newspaper, I received a V.I.P. pass to this very fun drama.  

Every step of the way during this performance made me yip for joy. From the opening number and all its sea lions, to the grand finale where the whole cast encouraged us to throw all our valuables onto the stage.

It was a veraciously funarific delight! And I encourage everyone to see it. To compensate for Lemony Snicket’s standoffishness, all month we will interview each and every participant of this wondrous play “Count Olaf: Actor, Humanitarian, Intelligent Person, Snappy Dresser, Smart Guy, Arsonist, Funny Character, Handsome Gentlemen, and Fortune Snatcher Extraordinaire.”

Sorry once again for the inconvenience and I remind you to bring your checkbooks along when you see this absolutely terrific play. –E.P.

Part 4 (newspaper ad)